Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Kill traps. My eyes sparkled and the corners of my mouth upturned slightly, tell-tale signs of glee noticeable by only those that know me well, but unseen by the technician from Critter Control. Nut munching gnawers had moved into the relatively high rent district of my attic, and by attic I mean the habitable third floor. The day before I had been comfortably avoiding weekend work by becoming one with the couch, when my wife exclaimed in a barely audible voice from the third floor, "Dan, you have to come up here right now."

Take no prisoners.

At first I thought it was just a call for me to bring her a drink or view the movies she was working on, but there was a tone dread draped on the words as they stumbled down the stairs. Rolling out of the folds of the couch and lumber-jogging up the stairs I shuffled through theories of what could have possibly gone wrong. Was the toilet clogged? Had she noticed the stain on the carpet that was strategically hidden by an out of place box? Perhaps it was just a burnt out light.

"I just saw a squirrel pop his head through the ceiling."

That, I must say, had not been a card in the deck.

After stumbling about the web looking for ways to deter these fuzzy-tailed rodents from entering my abode, I had become discouraged. Click after click, link after link, page after page, of rodent loving do-gooders detailing the humane ways of squirrel removal. I wanted to find the dark side of the web. The gun loving, blood letting, bordering on psycopath digital domain that the network news magazines warn me of.

While I will draw the line at murdering a human homebreaker, I must say that squirrels fall way below that line, as do murderous leprachauns, Mogwai that have eaten after midnight, and Joe Pesci.

This Joe Pesci . . .

not this one.

Since this ordeal has begun, two corpses have lain limply on my roof, and it has given me quite a thrill to see them. When I mentioned that we were using kill traps my more sensitive co-workers (all women) gasped in horror. So I merely pointed out that if we decided to take up residence in a bear cave, said bear would not catch and release us back into our natural habitat. I'm guessing that even squirrels would take a few healthy bites out of us if we threaten their nest.

I guess if I wanted to fit more firmly into the circle of life we could eat the squirrels and turn their pelts into some less than fashionable gloves, but since I have taken it upon myself to also poison the bastards I think I will pass. A little squirrel decay stench is infinitely better than waking up with one of them looking at me in the eye.

I'm raising the threat level.